Let’s Talk About Consent

Think you understand consent? Misunderstanding consent puts people at risk—of being hurt, of being accused, and of facing life-changing consequences.

Avoiding conversations about consent leaves people vulnerable both to being hurt and to hurting others. We have a responsibility to teach it clearly and talk about it openly.

Too often, sexual assault is downplayed or dismissed. Many people walk away from an experience feeling that something was wrong, but don’t realize it crossed a legal and ethical boundary.

On the other side, people may be accused of assault without fully understanding the seriousness of their actions. When we don’t understand consent, we’re more likely to cause harm—even if we didn’t mean to.

Below are examples of common reactions to a sexual assault allegation. They illustrate some fundamental misunderstandings of consent and the law:

“When it goes a little too far, there is some guilt involved, and then it gets blamed on the guy more often than not.”
“I’ve heard of girls falsely accusing guys more times than I can count.”
“He has a very promising future. He’s much more level headed than this.”
“She’s just trying to destroy him and get her 15 minutes of fame.”
“Girl’s later regret it and blow it out of proportion.”
“Why did she wait until now?”
“Why didn’t she just leave?”
“IF anything happened she may have been a willing participant and is now jaded by rejection, jealousy, guilt or greed.”
“She’s probably after some money.”

Understanding consent means learning how power, pressure, and fear impact a person’s ability to freely choose. It’s unlikely that someone will regret something they fully and enthusiastically wanted and agreed to—before and during an encounter.

What’s much more common is realizing after the fact that you didn’t actually agree to what happened—that you felt pressured, manipulated, afraid to say no, or unable to leave. That isn’t regret it’s a reasonable response to a violation.

Misunderstandings about what real consent looks like—and the crossing of legal and ethical boundaries are common. This is why we must teach and talk about consent clearly and consistently.

What Consent Is

Permission for bodily contact is given freely, without pressure or fear.
Clear, mutual, and enthusiastic.
Ongoing and revocable at any time.
Based on clear communication, not assumption.

If You Want to Take Things Further—Ask!

Examples:

“Can I kiss you?”
“Would a hug feel okay?”
“Do you feel comfortable?”
“Can I keep going?”
“Is this okay with you?”

These questions might feel awkward—and that’s okay! In a culture that rarely teaches us how to talk about touch, boundaries and sex, it’s natural for these conversations to feel uncomfortable. But that discomfort is essential to push through. Consent might feel like it interrupts the mood—but in reality, it communicates care, respect, and lays the foundation for deeper connection. Learning to communicate clearly about desire, comfort, and boundaries is a sexual skill. Being attentive, responsive, and curious about one another can lead to sexual experiences that feel reciprocal, enjoyable, and engaging. Enthusiastic consent protects both people from miscommunication, violation, and harm.

Consent Involves More Than Words

Consent isn’t just verbal—it’s also about noticing body language, recognizing hesitation and reluctance.
Consent includes recognizing if the other person is relaxed, engaged, or pulling away.
If someone looks uncomfortable, freezes, or avoids eye contact, that’s not a green light—it’s a sign to stop and check in.

Consent is the Law

Understanding legal definitions matters! As of 2025, here’s what Utah law says:

Key aspects of the Utah definition of sexual consent for 2025:

Consent: an ongoing, active, and specific agreement.
Revocability: Consent may be withdrawn through words or conduct at any time prior to or during sexual activity.
Silence is Not Consent: While lack of protest or resistance may be considered, they do not by themselves demonstrate that consent was given.
Specific Acts: Consent to a specific sexual act does not automatically constitute consent to other, different sexual acts.
Capacity: Legal consent requires the capacity to understand and agree, which is negated by factors like intoxication or coercion.

Forcible Sexual Abuse

(Utah Code § 76-5-404)

A person is guilty of forcible sexual abuse if they act without the consent of another individual to:

Touch the anus, buttocks, pubic area, or any part of the genitals of another person.
Touch the breast of a female.
Take “indecent liberties” with another individual (as defined in § 76-5-401.1).

Required Conditions:

Intent: The actor must intend to cause substantial emotional or bodily pain, or to arouse/gratify the sexual desire of any person.
Victim Age: The victim must be 14 years of age or older.
Context: The circumstances must not amount to rape, object rape, or forcible sodomy
Sexual Abuse of a Child (§ 76-5-404.1): Covers similar acts when the victim is under 14 years old.

Sexual Battery

(Utah Code § 76-5-418)

Definition: The statute covers non-consensual, intentional touching of intimate parts (breasts, buttocks, anus, pubic area) or other “indecent liberties”.
Intent: The perpetrator must act with the intent to abuse, humiliate, harass, or degrade the victim, or to arouse/gratify sexual desire.
Distinction: It is different from “Forcible Sexual Abuse” (Code 76-5-404), which is a more serious felony involving, for example, force or a victim under 14.

Rape

(Utah Code § 76-5-402)

Definition: An actor commits rape if they have sexual intercourse with another individual without the victim’s consent.
Scope: This statute applies regardless of whether the actor is married to the victim.
Consent: Any sexual penetration, however slight, is sufficient to constitute the act of intercourse.

Fast and Furious

The media often depicts intimacy as furiously paced, impulsive, and lacking communication, portraying recklessness as passion and overlooking the role of consent. But consent requires communicating, checking in, and caring about how the other person feels emotionally, physically, and relationally. Clear consent ensures safety, confirms mutual desire, and deepens respect and connection.

Confirming consent shows:

You respect the other person’s comfort and agency.
You’re creating a space that feels emotionally and physically safe for both people.
You value trust and reciprocity.

What Consent Is Not

Let’s break down some myths:

Consent is not silence. Just because someone doesn’t say no doesn’t mean they’re saying yes. Silence can be discomfort, fear, and uncertainty.
Consent is not pressure. Guilt trips, begging, bargaining, or wearing someone down = coercion.
Consent is not hesitation. A reluctant or unsure “okay” is not consent.
Consent is not the absence of “no.” When someone stops resisting or saying no, it’s not a sign that they’ve agreed.
Consent isn’t a one-time checkmark. It must be ongoing, mutual, and revocable at any time. What was okay yesterday—or even five minutes ago—may not be okay now.

Consent is not automatic in relationships.

Dating or marriage does not equal permanent or blanket consent.

Unlearning the Stories We Tell

We need to challenge harmful myths that shape how many people think about intimacy and responsibility:

“Once a man is turned on, he can’t stop.”
→ This lie excuses harmful behavior and puts the burden on women to prevent it. Men are capable of self-control.
“She didn’t say no.”
→ Consent must be clear, enthusiastic and ongoing—not assumed from silence.
“She led him on.”
→ Flirting, clothing choice, and past behavior do not equal permission. Consent must happen in the present, and it must be mutual.
“She should’ve known better.”
→ This places blame on victims and protects offenders.

These beliefs leave victims feeling ashamed, confused, or responsible for someone else’s choices. But here’s the truth: No one is ever responsible for another person’s choice to violate consent.

Let’s Talk About Victim-Blaming

Too often, after someone reports an assault, the questions quickly turn on them:

What was she wearing?
Why was she alone with him?
Why didn’t she fight harder?
What did she expect?
Why didn’t she leave?

These questions focus on the victim’s behavior instead of asking the most important one: Why did he choose to ignore consent?

No one “asks for it.” No one owes their body to anyone.
It doesn’t matter if someone is naked, drunk, flirtatious, a stripper, or married—consent must still be present, enthusiastic, and freely given.

No one has the right to someone else’s body. Ever!

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