Let’s Talk About Consent

Think you understand consent? Misunderstanding consent puts people at risk—of being hurt, of being accused, and of facing life-changing consequences.

Avoiding conversations about consent leaves people vulnerable both to being hurt and to hurting others. We have a responsibility to teach it clearly and talk about it openly.

Too often, sexual assault is downplayed or dismissed. Many people walk away from an experience feeling that something was wrong, but don’t realize it crossed a legal and ethical boundary.

On the other side, people may be accused of assault without fully understanding the seriousness of their actions. When we don’t understand consent, we’re more likely to cause harm—even if we didn’t mean to.

Some reactions to a sexual assault allegation illustrate some fundamental misunderstandings of trauma, and consent:

“IF anything happened she may have been a willing participant and is now jaded by rejection, jealousy, guilt or greed.”
“She’s probably after some money.”
“When it goes a little too far, there is some guilt involved, and then it gets blamed on the guy more often than not.”
“She’s a gold digger.”
“I’ve heard of girls falsely accusing guys more times than I can count.”
“He has a very promising future. He’s much more level headed than this.”
“Is this just her trying to destroy him and get her 15 minutes of fame?”
“Girl’s later regret it and blow it out of proportion.”
“Why did she wait until now?”
“Why didn’t she just leave?”

Understanding consent means learning how power, pressure, and fear impact a person’s ability to freely choose. It is unlikely that someone will regret something they fully and enthusiastically wanted and agreed to—before and during an encounter.

What’s much more common is realizing after the fact that you didn’t actually agree to what happened—that you felt pressured, manipulated, afraid to say no, or unable to leave. That isn’t regret it’s a reasonable response to a violation.

False allegations are rare. But misunderstandings about what real consent looks like—and the crossing of legal and ethical boundaries—are not. This is why we must teach and talk about consent clearly and consistently.

Fast and Furious

The media often depicts intimacy as furiously paced, impulsive, and lacking communication, portraying recklessness as passion and overlooking the role of consent. But real consent means communicating, checking in, and caring about how the other person feels emotionally, physically, and relationally. Far from interrupting the mood, consent can deepen connection.

Confirming consent shows:

You respect the other person’s comfort and agency.
You’re creating a space that feels emotionally and physically safe for both people.
You value trust and reciprocity.

What Consent Is

Permission for bodily contact is given freely, without pressure or fear.
Clear, mutual, and enthusiastic.
Ongoing and revocable at any time.
Based on clear communication, not assumption.

If You Want to Take Things Further—Ask!

Examples:

“Can I kiss you?”
“Would a hug feel okay?”
“Do you feel comfortable?”
“Can I keep going?”
“Is this okay with you?”

These questions might feel awkward—and that’s okay! In a culture that rarely teaches us how to talk about touch, boundaries and sex, it’s natural for these conversations to feel uncomfortable. But that discomfort is worth pushing through. Consent might feel like it interrupts the mood—but in reality, it communicates care, respect, and lays the foundation for deeper connection. Learning to communicate clearly about desire, comfort, and boundaries is a sexual skill. Being attentive, responsive, and curious about one another can lead to sexual experiences that feel playful, engaging, and reciprocal. Enthusiastic consent protects both people from miscommunication, violation, and harm.

Consent Involves More Than Words

Consent isn’t just verbal—it’s also about noticing body language, recognizing hesitation and reluctance.
Consent includes recognizing if the other person is relaxed, engaged, or pulling away.
If someone looks uncomfortable, freezes, or avoids eye contact, that’s not a green light—it’s a sign to stop and check in.

Consent is the Law

Understanding legal definitions matters! Here’s what Utah law says:

Forcible Sexual Abuse

(Utah Code § 76-5-404)

Intentionally touching the private parts of another person without their consent, with the intent to cause substantial emotional or bodily pain or to arouse or gratify sexual desire.

Sexual Battery

(Utah Code § 76-9-702.1)

Intentionally touch, whether over or under clothing, the anus, buttocks, or any part of the genitals of another person, or the breast of a female, and the conduct is under circumstances the actor knows or should know will likely cause affront or alarm to the person touched.

Rape

(Utah Code § 76-5-402)

Sexual intercourse with another individual without the individual’s consent, regardless of the presence or absence of physical force.
• Penetration: Any sexual penetration, however slight.
• Marital status doesn’t matter—rape can happen in marriage.

What Consent Is Not

Let’s break down some myths:

Consent is not silence. Just because someone doesn’t say no doesn’t mean they’re saying yes. Silence can be discomfort, fear, and uncertainty.
Consent is not pressure. Guilt trips, begging, bargaining, or wearing someone down = coercion.
Consent is not hesitation. A reluctant or unsure “okay” is not consent.
Consent is not the absence of “no.” When someone stops resisting or saying no, it’s not a sign that they’ve agreed.
Consent isn’t a one-time checkmark. It must be ongoing, mutual, and revocable at any time. What was okay yesterday—or even five minutes ago—may not be okay now.

Consent is not automatic in relationships.

Dating or marriage does not equal permanent or blanket consent.

Unlearning the Stories We Tell

We need to challenge harmful myths that shape how many people think about intimacy and responsibility:

“Once a man is turned on, he can’t stop.”
→ This lie excuses harmful behavior and puts the burden on women to prevent it. Men are capable of self-control.
“She didn’t say no.”
→ Consent must be clear, enthusiastic and ongoing—not assumed from silence.
“She led him on.”
→ Flirting, clothing choice, and past behavior do not equal permission. Consent must happen in the present, and it must be mutual.
“She should’ve known better.”
→ This places blame on victims and protects offenders.

These beliefs leave victims feeling ashamed, confused, or responsible for someone else’s choices. But here’s the truth: No one is ever responsible for another person’s choice to violate consent.

Let’s Talk About Victim-Blaming

Too often, after someone reports an assault, the questions quickly turn on them:

What was she wearing?
Why was she alone with him?
Why didn’t she fight harder?
What did she expect?

These questions focus on the victim’s behavior instead of asking the most important one: Why did he choose to ignore consent?

No one “asks for it.” No one owes their body to anyone.
It doesn’t matter if someone is naked, drunk, flirtatious, a stripper, or married—consent must still be present, enthusiastic, and freely given.

No one has the right to someone else’s body. Ever!

The Little Stream: Where Soul Meets Society — Reflections on Well-Being, Religion, and Power